Facing Fears

October 17, 2011

At the top left of a Lululemon shopping bag it reads, “Do one thing a day that scares you.”  Today I did. 

A few years ago I got into mountain biking back home in Ketchum.  For that first season I was biking on trails way over my ablilty and doing great at them.  Call it beginners luck.  One day I had it handed to me and went head over handle bars on a switchback going down Bald Mountain.  The crash could have been much worse than it was.  I walked away with a badly cut open hip, elbow, and shoulder, but no broken bones.  Those injuries I could recover from.  The injury of the mind, however, would be another story. 

I haven’t been back on my mountain bike for a “real” ride since then.  Until today. 

We rolled into Moab last night just as the sun began to set over the glorious red sandstone landscapes.  The only other time I had been to Moab was a quick drive through on Main Street last winter.  I was fired up ready to explore!  Today, as I pumped up my tires and clipped my helmet, that fire burned down to a mere spark, just enough to keep me from saying ‘forget it’ and reading a book instead.  I stood at the helm of the SlickRock Practice Route and was shakin’ in my bike shoes.  It was time to get over my fears, or at least face them. 

The first mile I was less than happy.  It was stop and go, ride and walk, all the while fighting back tears of frustration and fear.  It is a great thing to have people in your life who care about you and push you to succeed in a gentle and loving way.  I was riding with Mat and our roommate Ian who came to meet up with us for the week.  They continued to encourage me to keep pushing through and to believe in myself.

It brought my back to my summer job as a counselor at Mountain Adventure Tours.  I spend every day working with kids to overcome their fears.  Fears of jumping off cliffs into the river, of climbing up a rock wall, of sleeping out under the stars, of holding a snake, or touching the trout they just caught.  And here I was now.  FULL of fear. 

The most frustrating thing about it was discovering the enormous difference between fear of the unfamiliar (often fear not worthy of our time and energy) and fear of the familiar.  Not only was this fear of something I was familiar with, but it was fear of something I used to be pretty darn good at! 

Mati is a great hockey goalie.  He took the time to tell me the story of the first time he was hit in the face with a puck that cracked his helmet and gave him 6 stitches.  “After that day” he said, “I flinched every time someone set up to take a shot on me, for a long time”.  I was glad to learn that he could relate on some level to the way I was feeling. 

I finished the practice loop unscathed and with a new level of confidence in my bike and my ability.  The fire had been stoked and I was ready for more.  We set up camp, had a snack, and hit the trails for one more ride before sundown.  This one was different.  It was longer, rocky and technical-and SO MUCH FUN!  We laughed, yelled into the canyons, and I fell twice.  While I was standing still. 

It felt amazing to succeed and take a step, or a pedal, in the right direction.  I am reminded of why I push our summer camp kids to at least make an attempt the things that scare them the most.  Because it feels SO good when we do!